


Where do you run when you're breaking down

by agentlukaofshield (lukadarkwater)



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, F/M, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, but it's hopeful, post 4x21, post framework, talk of aida
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukadarkwater/pseuds/agentlukaofshield
Summary: In the end, they don’t talk very much at all. All of the wounds that they both carry, all of the pain, rested too close to the surface for either of them to even begin to speak.Instead, Jemma kept her arms around Fitz while they both fell apart.





	Where do you run when you're breaking down

In the end, they don’t talk very much at all. All of the wounds that they both carry, all of the pain, rested too close to the surface for either of them to even begin to speak. 

Instead, Jemma kept her arms around Fitz while they both fell apart. 

She had held him before when he cried, of course, just as he had held her when she could hardly stand. Yet, this time everything was different. Before it was always something else that was causing them to crumble not each other. It was a horrible feeling, wanting to be close to something when they were the one causing the pain. 

But they had both lived without the other before and Fitz knew from experience that being with her was much less painful than trying to stay away. 

So he stayed. Letting her hold him long past the point when both of their tears had slowed to a stop and the trembling in his limbs had been replaced with a quiet numbness.

A heavy silence fell over them, the weight of everything pressing down on him so hard that he could hardly breath. He had no idea how to even start a conversation at this point. Everything either felt too little or too much and he wished that he had some idea of how to express what he was feeling to her. 

But, as was always the case at Shield, time was not on their side. 

Too soon, he heard footsteps approaching and Piper’s voice cut through the silence, telling them that they were needed on the bridge. 

He heard Jemma answer and then the sound of retreating footsteps before he felt Jemma take a deep breath. 

“Fitz,” she finally said, her voice little more than a raspy whisper but he still felt his heart give the familiar leap that it always gave when he heard her say his name. It felt good to hear her say it again, to hear her voice still wrap around the letters with as little effort as it took to breath. “Will you please look at me.”

He took in a shuddering breath and turned his head slightly so he could see her out of the corner of his eye. 

“Fitz,” she said, not quite scolding but he could hear the slightly difference that meant she was disappointed. 

But he couldn’t quite bring himself to look her in the eyes, not yet. It was still too much to bare. 

However, as was often the case, Jemma wouldn’t let him shy away from her. He felt her hand come up to cup his chin and she turned his head softly to look at her. 

As expected, his memory hadn’t done her eyes justice. It always took his breath away how beautiful they were when he hadn’t seem them in a long time. Even now, though they were glassy with tears still yet unshed and lined with red, she was incredible and he felt his heart clench as he recognized a look that he thought he had lost on her face. Though she looked just as broken as he did, he could still see the love that shone from her every time she looked at him. It was an expression that he had slowly gotten used to since they had started dating but he was shocked to find that, after everything, it was still there underneath it all. 

“Fitz, I don’t know where to start but…” she took a steadying breath, the hand that was clutching his arm briefly tightening, “But I need you to understand that you haven’t lost me, okay? We can still fix this, I’m just not sure how yet.”

“Jemma…” he whispered, voice breaking at the end.

“I know,” she whispered back, “But not now. They need us.”

So, reluctantly, they separated and went to the bridge. Fitz listened as they talked about what they were going to do now, his own mind still trying to process everything. More than anything, he wanted just a moment to stop. Ever since leaving the framework, he hadn’t had a moment to really rest and it was wearing on him. 

A steady ache built up around his temples the longer the meeting went on and on without any sort of progress and his relief when they were finally dismissed for the night was acute. 

He stumbled to the showers in a daze, glad to wash the salt water and the feeling of her from his skin. It was an unnerving feeling, the feeling of having lived two lives. He could tell the memories apart for the most part. But there were flashes of things that took him a little bit more time to determine if they were real or not. Things from before he had gone to Shield that were incredibly similar and took him a bit more time to parse out.

The worst memories, however, were the ones of his relationship with AIDA. Looking at it now, it couldn’t be more clear that she had replaced Jemma with herself. She had manipulated his emotions and feelings until he was wholly devoted to her and she could get the tech and everything else that she wanted from him

Thinking about it took much made him feel sick. His memories with Jemma meant everything to him but now he had all of these other incredibly similar memories with AIDA and he would give anything to scrub them from his mind. 

He stood under the spray until the water began to run cold and then reluctantly dried off. He did feel a little bit better as he changed into clothing that was his own but the idea of getting any real sleep that night seemed like a joke. 

Nevertheless, he exited the bathroom and headed towards the bunks in the back of the Zephyr. He punched in the code on the door of his assigned bunk and stepped inside, only to freeze when he saw that Jemma was already sitting on the bed. 

“Oh, sorry, I thought this was-” he began but she cut him off. 

“Fitz, I know exactly which bunk this is.” 

“Oh,” he said again, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to be doing. 

“Oh, Fitz,” she sighed, “I know we haven’t really talked but… It’s not as if I’m going to sleep tonight anyways and I’d rather not be without you any more than I already have been. So… I know the bunks aren’t very wide but they’re wider than they were on the BUS and…” she trailed off, her eyes asking the question that she hadn't quite voiced. 

“Are you… I mean are you sure?” he asked, his body still frozen even while his heart longed to go to her. 

“Completely.” She responded and then lay down against the wall, leaving a space for him on the bed and waited. 

As he always had been and as he always would be, he was powerless to resist her request and he made his way carefully over to the bed, easing down onto the mattress as close to the edge as possible, and tried not to touch her.

Jemma sighed and then reached out with one hand, tangling her fingers with his where they were clutched to his chest. Carefully, as if trying not to startle him, she pulled his hand to her own chest and held it there. 

“I heard you, earlier, when you were talking with with her.” Jemma whispered, as they lay in silence. “I heard everything.”

Fitz’s eyes shot from where he’d been looking at their intertwined hands to her face.   
“Yeah?”

She nodded. “That’s why I said earlier that you hadn’t lost me. Fitz, I love you. I still do and I always will. I know everything is so messed up right now but we’ll deal with it as we always have.”

“Together,” he breathed, finishing the sentence that hadn’t changed in over ten years. 

“Exactly. So, whatever you need right now, I’m going to do my best to give it to you.”

“But what about you?” 

“The only thing I want is for you to be okay again. And… I just don’t want to lose you again.” her voice broke at the end and he watched as the tears that had been building in her eyes began to stream down her cheeks. “I can’t lose you like that again, not now.”

Either her tears or her words finally broke him and before he could even really think about it, he was crossing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around her. She let out a gasp as he pulled her to his chest and instantly returned his embrace, burying her face into his neck. 

In reality, it had only been about two weeks since Fitz had held her but he had lived an entire lifetime in that same span of time and now the feeling of her in his arms was enough to make his own tears begin to flow. 

Just like before, they clung to each other as the feeling of being together overwhelmed them both. Unlike before, however, here wrapped up in each other in the darkness of his bunk, he found that he was able to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into her hair, “I’m so sorry for everything that happened in there. I love you, Jemma. I’ve always loved you and I will never stop.”

Jemma pulled back slightly, so she could meet his eyes and her hands came up to frame his face. “I know, Fitz. I know. What happened in there, you had no control over it. It was a world built around AIDA and Radcliffe’s needs. That wasn’t you.”

“But-”

“No buts. You are the kindest and most caring human being I have ever met and I know what your heart looks like and it could never do the things that you did in there. I know that’s hard to believe right now but I won’t stop telling you until you know it yourself.”

Fitz stared at her for a long moment, too overcome by feelings to move, before shifting forwards to rest his forehead against hers. 

“You mean everything to me,” he whispered, his voice rough with tears and emotion, “You’re everything, Jemma, everything.”

“And you are everything to me, Fitz. You’ll always have me. Always.”

He wanted to kiss her them. To feel the joy that always came with the feeling of her lips on his. But it still felt too soon. He could still clearly see her begging for him to remember her while he held a gun to her head and that caused him to hold back. 

Instead, he pulled her back into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and feeling her own arms do the same. Fitz then leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, leaving his head there so he could inhale the sweet scent of her, of Jemma, and let her presence calm him down enough to where he slipped into sleep. 

The road ahead of them was long, but he had her and she was the strongest person he had ever met. As long as they were together, that was all he really needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Who else is still crying over that scene in 4X21? Just me? okay.


End file.
